Seems the last time I entered words on this blog not much has changed. So I will continue where I left off:
Five years since losing brother, sister and a job.....
Imagine dealing with survivors guilt day in and day out. Imagine losing your childhood. Imagine not being able to call a brother or sister EVER and just talk, fight, laugh, talk about parents, nieces, nephews or just hear their voice. Well I have grown and moved forward slowly. I have accepted being an "only child" so to speak. I have written about Margaret, Patricia and Edward in prior blog entries.
I have also tried to begin where I finally begin to love an live again. I have mostly mourned alone because after a while no one can understand the continuance of your pain and loss...only you. So alone I cry and cry and cry...and that's OK!
Being unemployed so long has allowed my inner me to be stripped of self confidence and self esteem. I understand the words behind Eleanor Roosevelt's "No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent." I consented to it. It was so much easier to blame myself for all the turmoil going on in my soul and spirit.
For the first 2 years it was more the everyday mourning and grieving. I was blessed to go to therapy with a wonderful woman who actually wanted to hear my pain. Not just of Margaret, Pat and Eddie but ALL the inside pain we all can hold. She just listened. She didn't judge. She even cried with me. When I had no funds...she listened anyway. She cared She still does.
The first 2 years allowed me to mourn "freely" because I was collecting unemployment. That helped me cry without having to worry about bills. That was hauntingly comforting. Not sure if that makes sense.
The 3rd and 4th year begin a different stress. No money coming in and no one responding to resumes. I began to make my lollipops....http://papaboopops.weebly.com/. It was a liberating feel to know that I can actually pay a bill or two by creating a delicious morsel out of a mold filled with chocolate and love. It was not a simple venture. But it helped my psyche immensely! My loved ones were so proud of me....they saw that I began to care and use my creativity to further myself. Almost as if I had been resurrected. But soon enough that passion faded and took a turn the wrong way. Seems I was giving away more than selling. I will still make them if anyone is interested and who knows what the future has in store for PAPABOO POPS!
The 4th and 5th year of this continuing journey I entered myself into "the system." Humbling myself to collect food stamps, Medicaid, housing allowance. Having to sit in the centers where we waited for our numbers to be yelled out. We had to wait and wait.. "behind the line, please" they would say...and treated us as if we were a plague of sorts. . After waiting at one office for the entire day...the next day they would send me to another...in a different location of the city...this was for a medical review. I spoke to the doctor "on call" and he asked me what my issues were. I said I had none other than depression with the deaths of siblings. He said "oh, you can get over that"...then he sends me to case worker who proceeds to tell me that I was articulate enough to get a job and that she would NEVER succumb to "the system." The system that was paying her bills and allowing her some comfort of knowing she was employed! The following day I get sent to a center where I had to report everyday to be able to continue receiving benefits...first day: SWAT team was called in because a woman "lost it" and threatened an employee. She was screaming while apprehended that she doesn't have food for her children...as they led her away....I sit there and ponder WHY?????
I have been at both ends...working and being paid and not working and being paid.
I was the person that would do just about anything for anyone to assist them in issues ranging from immigration, education, housing. I would collect monies, clothing, food, whatever was needed. That was me. I volunteered at schools for over 15 years. I sit on my local community board. I raised money, clothing, necessities and gave my time to help at Ground Zero.
All the good I believed I was doing didn't matter with all the tribulation's that I had before me. I started to go back and think of ALL the BAD things I did in life. Perhaps all the bad I am going through is because of the past....was I that horrible of a person??? I didn't kill anyone... but I am sure I hurt the heart of others. I thought of my parenting...was I that bad of a parent??? Was I that bad of a child? Sibling? Friend? All these thoughts flashed over and over....still...
I am a daughter of parents who have buried 3 of their children. I am the mother of 3 children. I am the grandmother of 3 grandsons. I am now a wife...one year tomorrow.
I am still in 'the system." I am still sad at times. I am still breathing. I am still assisting people if I can. I am still standing. I am still hopeful.......will continue this journey....
For now there is a possible part time job...will know more soon.....
